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	Jokes : Funny stuff from our friends, Families and joke agents.
	New stuff : Added on 6/01/99	Send us one !!

"Quiz"

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Ladyl uck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys
and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane
asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'" The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was
asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again,
Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy?
You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?"

"Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last
night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host,
"CONGRATULATIONS!!"

Assicons

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown Sometimes these are represented by :-) and respectively.

Well, how about some "assicons"?

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_^^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo..

. oo*" "*o.o*" "*o.

. o" 'o" "o

o o *o

.o o 'o

o o o.

o o o

o \o/ o

o --0-- o

o. /o\ o

o o o

o o oo

oo o oo

oo. oo oo

'ooo. .oo. ooo

"o ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,oo"o

o. """""" oo """"" .o

'o oo o'

*o oo o

'o o o*

o o o

You have been e-mooned!

Send this to 5 people within the next

hour and you will be blessed with people laughing at your e-mail.

This is NOT a chain letter, so if you don't mail it out, you

won't have bad luck. (But who wouldn't want to e-Moon a

friend?)

Happy e-mooning!!!

There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back up stairs and dress decent. The young woman said, "No, I want to show off my rosebuds" and went out the door. The next day the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing the see through blouse without a bra. "Grandmother!! What are you doing? My boyfriend and a couple of other friends are coming over any time now." She cried, "Please go change your blouse; I'M so embarrassed!!!" The older woman replied, "Well if you can show off your rosebuds than I can show off my hanging baskets."

The Top 15 "Star Wars" Euphemisms for Masturbation

15. Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon

14. Grooming the Wookie

13. Making the Kessel Run

12. Polishing Vader's Helmet

11. Evacuating Tatooine

10. Unsheathing the Meatsaber

9. Releasing the Special Edition

8. Jumping to Delight Speed

7. Communicating with Red Leader One

6. Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo

5. Tinkering With the R2 Unit

4. Manually Targeting the Rebel Base

3. Performing the Jedi Hand Trick

2. Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears

and Topfive.com's Number 1 "Star Wars" Euphemism for Masturbation...

1. Test Firing the Death Star

OKLAHOMA Twisters

After the May 3rd tornado, many Oklahoma City residents have tried to deal with their loss through humor. Many home owners have spray-painted their homes or put up signs claiming: "For Sale: Fixer Upper" or "OPEN HOUSE." However, the best one comes from a man in Moore who, before President Clinton's visit, put a sign in his yard saying:

"HEY BILL, HOW'S THIS FOR A BLOW JOB?"

*****Unfortunately, the Secret Service asked him to remove it since there was so much media coverage.

~WE CAN NOT validate this story but it wouldn't surprise US.

Following is an e-mail exchange between Arkansas resident, Jim Neugent, and ABC network.

From Mr.. Neugent:

I wrote to ABC concerning a program called "THE PRACTICE." One of the lawyer's mothers decided she was gay and wanted her son to go to court to help her get a marriage license to marry her 'partner.' I sent the following letter to ABC yesterday and really did not expect a reply... but I did get one. My original message was: ABC is obsessed (or should I say abscessed) with the subject of homosexuality. I will no longer watch any of your attempts to convince the world that homosexuality is OK. THE PRACTICE can be a fairly good show but last night's program was so typical of your agenda. You picked the 'dufus' of the office to be the one who was against the idea of his mother being gay and made him look like a whiner because he had convictions. This type of mentality calls people like me a "gay basher." Read the first chapter of Romans (that's in the Bible) and see what the apostle Paul had to say about it... He and God and Jesus were all 'gay bashers.' What if she'd fallen in love with her cocker spaniel... is that an alternative lifestyle? (By the way, the Bible speaks against that, too.)

Jim Neugent

-------------------------------------------

Here is ABC's reply from the ABC online Webmaster:

How about getting your nose out of the Bible (which is ONLY a book of stories compiled by MANY different writers hundreds of years ago) and read the Declaration of Independence (what our nation is built on) where it says All Men are Created Equal"-and try treating them that way for a change!? Or better yet, try thinking for yourself and stop using an archaic book of stories as your crutch for your existence.

-------------------------------------------

Mr.. Neugent responded to ABC:

Thanks for your reply. Evidently, I hit a nerve from your harsh reply. I will share it with all with whom I come in contact. Hopefully, the Arkansas Democrat Newspaper will include it in one of their columns. And... I will be praying for you.

Jim Neugent

Mena, Arkansas

The Amish and the Elevator:

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the mall lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son,

"Go get your Mother."

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.... 45 volumes.... Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer... No longer needed.... Got married last weekend.

"Wife knows fucking everything."

Rejected Hallmark Cards

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day...Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.

2. My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked at the tire....I noticed your cat... Sorry

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends....here's a bouquet of flowersand a box of Depends.

4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy Hope you feel zippy 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you...How upset you must be...But don't fret about it ....She moved in with me

7. Your computer is dead...it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95?

8. You totaled your car...and can't remember why...could it have been...that case of Bud Dry?

DELIVERY SERVICE

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him
the Lord says, "You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make
your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat
thinks for a minute and says "Well, all my life I lived with a poor
family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor..." The Lord stops the
cat and says "Say no more!" Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears
and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.
A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to
Heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice
answer: "All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats,
from tractors, even from that farmer's wife with her broom.
We're tired of running..." "Say no more!" The Lord replies. In a flash,
each mouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and
they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.
About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him
snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, "How are things since
you got here?" The cat stretches, yawns, and replies "Oh, it is
wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those
Meals On Wheels you've been sending are the BEST!!!"

Opposites

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes."Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Signs That You've Had TOO MUCH of the '90s

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back, "What's for dinner?"

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her Web site.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you forwarded an electronic one to all your e-mail buddies.

Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

Every commercial on television has a Web site address at the bottom of the screen...and you even write some of them down.

. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and sells for half the price you paid...and you're not even surprised.

. The concept of using real money (instead of credit or debit cards) to make a purchase is now foreign to you.

. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

. Your excuse for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

. You think of your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

Great Reasons to be a Man...

1. Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. You know stuff about tanks.

3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

4. You can open all your own jars.

5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

7. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

8. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

9. You can kill your own food.

10. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

11. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

13. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

14. If you are 35 and single, nobody notices.

15. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

16. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

17. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

18. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

19. Same work... more pay.

20. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

21. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - $75.

22. You don't mooch off other's desserts.

23. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

24. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

25. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with the phrase: "So, notice anything different?"

26. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

27. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

28. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

29. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

30. You don't have to shave below your neck.

31. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

33. You can do your nails with a pocketknife.

34. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

35. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on Dec. 24th, in 45 minutes.

Last Request ...

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.

They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Superman was flying through the skies, desperate to have sex, horny as a horndog. The Man of Steel was desperate for it. He passed over Gotham City when he saw Batman, so he flew down for some advice. "Hey Bats, who's a good roll in the hay?"

Batman replied, "Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in Comicland. Why don't you ask her?"

"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends, so I don't really want to take advantage of her..."

"Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. "Hmmm" he thought to himself, I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she realizes it. So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.

Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a glazed expression. "What the heck was that??" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "But my ass is killing me."

Twinkie

A girl is sitting in a barber shop, eating a Twinkie, while the barber cuts her hair.

The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're getting hair on your Twinkie."

The little girl looks up with a big smile and says, "I know, and I'm getting titties too!"

Lost Blonde

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it" Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five
minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to
K-Mart."

A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00, thinking that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. and, as usual, those BASTARDS deducted $95.00!

***25 MORE THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A WOMAN SAY***

1. You know, I've really been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

2. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!

3. This porno scene is boring; fast forward to the gang bang, okay?

4. Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot

5. Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up; here, use my blouse.

6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's
again?

7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our 17 year old baby sitter Candy.

8. Well, honey, I'm off to take the car to get the oil changed and the radiator flushed and the tire pressures checked and get it detailed again,
and then return those video rentals and swing by the hardware store to pick up that list of stuff you wanted, and your case of new cigars at the tobacco shop and then I'll be back to mow the lawn and clean out those gutters and fix the upstairs toilet; here's 200 bucks if you want to go out all day and pick up anything just for you, and don't worry, I won't wait up for you so
stay out as long as you want...

9. The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!

11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover our bets.

12. Bar food again!? Great!

13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend really does have a lot of class.

14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

15.Are you sure I can't give you another one? We've got a few more minutes before we arrive at your parents house.

16. Do you think that I could drive? I'd really like to see you get totally bombed tonight.

17. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

18. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

19. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers of beer.

20. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!

21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.

22. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!

24. You are so much smarter than my father.

25. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter..

Rooster n Farmer

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop." The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
They line up in back of the farm house and get another chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on grabs his shotgun and BOOM! and he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers ... like a telephone ... on his hand, and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very high-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

The bartender says, "Prove it."

The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it."

"Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where's the men's room?"

The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy, face down, spread eagle on the floor, his pants pulled down and a roll of toilet paper shoved up his ass.

"Oh my God!" says the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy says, "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."

Woodpecker

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker, were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe. The Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker has been able to peck successfully.The Alaskan woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it. After flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree in Texas, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state.

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion:

"Your pecker is always harder, when you're away from home".

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we'll encounter.(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)

7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,"That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine
and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the drugstore and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep
doing it?"

Useful Work Phrases--See how many you can use today!

1- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
2- What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
3- Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
4- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
5- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
6- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
7- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
8- It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
9- Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
10- How about never? Is never good for you?
11- You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.
12- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
13- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
14- My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
15- It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm
really quite busy.
16- At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
17- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
18- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
19- Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.
20- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Whos the Toughest

The Texas cowboy says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The Arizona cowboy couldn't stand to be bested. "I was walking down the road yesterday, a 15 foot rattler slid out from under a rock. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp."
The Oklahoma cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the burning hot coals with his penis.

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge
to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it
go?" The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

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